The Big Bad Oof
by Zergface
Summary: Flamecom tries to sexually intimidate the inhabitants of Planeptune and literally everyone, I'm not kidding here- literally everything alive that is sane and okay in the head comes together to nep him or something equally terrifying.


**TL;DR:**

 **FLAMECOM RAPE JOKES r BAD MKAY**

 **also randumbs JOIN THE DISCORD LINK IN ME PROFILE K THANKS**

* * *

It was a calm, peaceful day outside the Planeptune Basilicom. Literally nothing was happening.

Everyone was having a good time until Flamecom arrived.

"Oh my Goodness..." Nepgear sighed in exasperation, leaning on a low balcony. Down below the eight CPUs and CPU candidates could see the raging man. "He's back again?"

"Looks like it." Muttered Blanc, who looked disappointed. "What's this now, eight times this week?"

Noire crept up to the railing as well, tugging at one of her twintails with a hint of angst. "Even after we threw him in jail yesterday? That's dedication."

"At least this time he won't touch Rom and Ram!" Blanc snarled, pulling her sisters in close. The attempted molestation was still fresh in everyone's minds.

"DEATH TO THE GODDESSES!" Flamecom shouted, hopping up and down repeatedly, parting incoming pedestrian traffic. "THEY ARE ALL EVIL AND DESPICABLE!"

"What's he going on about this time?" Asked a curious Neptune, leaning too far over the railing.

"DIE!" Flamecom shouted, throwing a used car magazine at her, which whizzed past her face and slapped Uni's cheek. The CPU candidate appeared distraught.

"Go to hell, asshole! If this were my nation you'd be in prison already!" Blanc shouted, drawing the attention of random passerbys.

"ALL YOUR FOLLOWERS ARE ROBOTS! DEATH TO THE CPUs!" Flamecom shouted again. "I'LL RAPE ALL OF YOU!"

"Oh my, what's his problem?" Vert mumbled, glaring at Flamecom, who had pulled out a Finnish flag and started shouting in Börk. "He just won't stop…"

"I HAVE NO ISSUES! YOU'RE THE EVIL ONE!" Flamecom shouted again, waving the Finnish flag vigorously. "DIE, TYRANTS!"

Flamecom threw the flag like a spear, aiming right for Neptune's head. Luckily, he missed completely and the flag tore apart in the wind. "Perkele." He snapped.

"Hey! Now that was uncalled for!" Neptune screamed. "Think of the paint, you monster!"

Flamecom, seeing the way things were going, pulled out his authentic Finnish sniper rifle from the 1940's. Lining up the scope with Neptune's face, he pulled the trigger without hesitation.

Neptune was struck in the nose, but the bullet bounced off and flew into the sunset.

"Shit!" Flamecom exclaimed in horror. He bolted the rifle again but it was slapped out of his arms by Tainted, who started scolding him.

"You need to cut it out!" He snapped, feeling uncomfortable for acting out. As a holy priest of the four CPUs, he shouldn't have acted rashly around this heretic. "You're scaring the children! Again!"

Rom and Ram shuddered, hiding behind Blanc.

"Why do you even do this stuff?" Tainted demanded, stomping a foot.

"Well the CPUs of Game Industry are evil." He stated blankly with a Finnish accent. "I'm going to kidnap Neptune and Nepgear because I hate them so much. So I can torture Nepgear in front of Neptune then i'm going to kill Nepgear and force Neptune to eat her dead sisters flesh and then i'm going to censored her until I torture her and then finally kill her as well."

"Okay, okay," Neptune pouted over the railing. "That's just big-time YUCK!"

"I'll murder you." Flamecom said without emotion, pointing a finger at Neptune.

"That's funny." Cavaliere de Milan, a rowdy warrior who happens to be a regular to the local bar, stumbled into the street, holding up a 4Chan link. "Try it and I'll get you like I did the hebrews."

"Umm…" Zergface muttered, pushing up his helmet. "What the fuck, Cav-"

He was cut off by a car from the 1920's zooming through the street, it's engine roaring and snoring as it crashed into him.

"Ah yes, the XBIQJDSBJJQ18923658717209380 Model CBEHHAJSDKNQHWVDHBDJFN. My 2nd favorite car."

Flamecom leapt over the groaning body of the fallen author and skipped into the car, pulling BluebottleJr out and tossing his limp body onto the pavement.

After pressing on the gas, he ran over Zergface's body and sped off into the distance, prompting several shouts and shrieks from the balcony-bound CPUs.

"Damn it Zerg!" Blue struggled to his feet, his generic Roman armor getting in the way. "Why didn't you stop the car?"

"He looks like he's dead." Observed Nepgear, who had walked down to the street in the middle of the commotion. "I think we should take him to the hospital."

"Nono!" Cav shouted, getting on his knees. "Let us ignore the obvious casualty and make sure that we are ready to kill Flamecom."

"Kill him?" Admiral Crow interjected. "How about we-"

"HEY!" Everyone shouted simultaneously, glaring at the poor fellow.

Except for Danmaku and StoticSirus, who were bickering over people having poor taste while Stotic only said something like 'eggs dee'.

Now, united by a drive to slaughter the rampaging rapist, Tainted, Cav, Blue and the CPUs got ready to march to victory.

Until Blanc stepped onto the sidewalk wielding a hammer. Grimacing at the dying body of Zergface on the ground, she was ready to keep moving. For Rom and Ram, of course. She would have to catch up to Cav, who had taken off and-

All of a sudden, BluebottleJr jumped to Blanc's feet, bowing repeatedly.

"Lady White Heart!" He shouted, preparing to confess his undying love for her as he bowed more and more and more and more-

Blanc swung her hammer down, killing Blue instantly.

The sound of the collision was heard for miles around, but only Uni raised an eyebrow as she approached the smashed body.

"You think he can be revived?" The CPU Candidate asked, gesturing at his mangled corpse with the barrel of her gun.

"Anything you want, my Lady!" Private Garland, known to everyone as AIYFProductions, approached Uni with a dazed look in his eyes. "If it makes you happy, anything can happ-"

Uni shot him in the chest and he died instantly, becoming as silent as he always was in the discord.

"You want to revive him?" Blanc asked begrudgingly, nudging Uni with her hammer.

"Maybe later." She wiped a bloodstain off her dress, then promptly started following in Cav's footsteps.

"Hmph." Noire smirked, proud of her sister. The Goddess of Lastation followed close behind, stepping over Garland's twisted arm.

"Oww…" Zerg muttered as Vert passed by, having a pleasant conversation with Tainted, who was holding a fascist-American M1 Garand.

"Need a hand?"

Jim-Jam, priest of Uzume, extended a hand at the bruised and run-down writer.

Flanked by Mr. Shrimpaste and the elusive Conceptual Artist, who never speaks except to express a word of wisdom, the three helped the poor man to his feet.

"Thanks, guys." Zergface said as Shrimpaste handed him a bottle of Vietnamese soy sauce.

"What the hell?" He muttered, analyzing the glass.

"It's good stuff." He nodded, shrinking back into the far reaches of Planeptune, never to be seen again- until his name is called.

"You're gonna be late!" Neptune clamored, skipping down the road with a mouth full of pudding. "Nep-u! Nep-u! Nep-u!" She bounced like a kangaroo, each syllable said with each bounce.

"Jeez…" Meanjojo, standing off on the sidewalk, sighed, turning to face a delighted Admiral Crow.

"Uzume, give me a picture of Histoire!" He said excitedly.

"Call limit reached." Said Uzume in a T-pose.

"Oh, that's no fair dinkum lah." He swore in Australian, kicking a can down into an alleyway before chasing the others. No one wanted to be late to beat up Flamecom, after all.

Not even Danmaku, who pulled out the glock he used to shoot up the corner store as he sulked down the road, thinking about how cool he was for not being a virgin or something equally stupid.

Nico, known to some as Hunter, pulled down his hood as he checked his super cool and not overpowered bracer for information regarding Flamecom. He swore once he realized that Flamecom had a tentacle child rape fetish. Pulling his hood down further, he pulled out overpowered weapon #47, muttered something about how hard it was to be edgy, and stabbed himself, only to realize his invincibility prevented him from a sweet death once again.

Meanwhile, Flamecom spotted the convoy of roaming characters approaching his hideout.

It was an abandoned gas station in the middle of the countryside, and Flamecom stood on the roof waving the Finnish flag of McDonalds. Triumphantly, he rubbed his pedostashe and used a captured Soviet Mosin Nagant to kill MiddonaitoShi, who fell onto his carefree filipino face.

He bolted the weapon, letting the shell clang onto his ASDUWJNQJANSBDUHFEIJFKASD model ASBDUASHDN class car NEUHAISDKASNDLJN. His favorite.

Unfortunately, Blanc, in HDD form, whizzed forwards the smashed the hood in.

"Ei yhtääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääääään!" He shouted, nearly falling over from the shockwave.

"If Neptune would try to do a suicide by jumping from a building I wouldn't cry or beg her to not do it I would encourage her to jump." He said without emotion as Neptune approached, pouting angrily.

"Most of the tentacle hentai is rape meaning you cannot post it in NSFW channel." Flamecom stated, jumping over Vert's spear that she threw at him. "Plus if you can't post rape even in NSFW channel that eliminates a lot of hentai."

"Go to the place whence you cometh!" Noire, in HDD form, slashed at Flamecom with her sword.

"What's with the funny talk, Noire?" Neptune asked, panting with exhaustion from having to run so far.

"I'm feeling biblical today." She stated, dumbfounded at how Flamecom was dodging all their attacks.

"Rape shouldn't happen in society now Tainted you need to censor this." Flamecom interjected, throwing a solidified turd at Nepgear, who screamed in horror as it passed right over her head.

"That's _disgusting_." Tainted exclaimed, lowering his fascist weapon.

"Well I'm going to talk about beastiality if I can't talk about rape." Flamecom retorted, reaching for a stack of nearby pornography.

"Stop! Just stop!" Cav said, walking between all the fighters. "Let's all get along…" He fell flat on his face, tired from a hard day of kicking everyone's ass and working in the mines.

"Okay…" BluebottleJr shuddered, holding some sort of obscure Khajiit weapon. "Die, bastard!"

"Well now I'm going to talk about child molesting." Flamecom exclaimed with fury, smiting Blue with a finnish knockoff fast food burger.

"Why?" Blue cried as he fell backwards.

"Okay, this has gone one for long enough." Green Heart bellowed, raising her spear in preparation to throw it.

 **BANG**

Danmaku walked up to Flamecom and shot him with the glock, then he turned and walked away.

The end.

...

Until the toilet monster invaded Canada.


End file.
